High Anxiety- What it means to me

I wake, my eyes abruptly pop open. My chest is feels so tight. Thoughts are racing through my mind, and I haven't even gotten out of bed.

I'd like to go back to sleep, but I can't. I close my eyes, but in behind there's so many flashing bright images and loud noises screaming in my head.

Last night, I just laid there in my bed, alone in my thoughts, as they rushed through my head. I settle them down, finally I drift off into sleep. I pass from here to there, and it's anxiety as my keep.

I wake with dog hair in my mouth and everything is screaming at me. If my life were a sitcom it would be best selling TV.

So, it helps for you to understand me. I love to write so maybe you and I can see, just one percent of the things, that are spinning inside of me.

I need to share, but we don't have time, money, ect. Let's be real, who would ever want to know me? So far, you've had two minutes to live like me.

Perhaps you imagined waking up, jumping out of bed, scraping at your tongue with your finger tips. Having the musty taste of old, wet dog hair, then walking uncontrollable in a circle until you calm down enough that you remember to go and brush your teeth.

Just remember, we are not alone in this.

That's just a moment of my life, but please excuse me. I'm not trying to bring anyone down, I just need for you to understand me.

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In my first draft of this piece I had nothing further to add, but I realized it isn't helpful to anyone but me. Yes, it would be good for you to understand me, though now, I have more to add.

When I drafted this I was moving through a lot of different things that I had refused to acknowledge, and now, as I look back, I'm remembering some of the things that had been helpful for me in dealing with depression, anxiety, and the dark side of things.

Something very useful to me because as individual, I have the tendency to be audiocentric. Music has been a very important tool for dealing with my discomfort. I with the greatest of ease Atune to the audio of the environment. So here are a couple of things I found helpful~

Binaural music, perhaps one of the most useful for me. This one also.

Recently, I had a few different friends who had bouts with depression and anxiety that came to a catastrophic level.

At this point, I can be honest, it's time to admit that I have personally been depressed to the point of doing something I lived to regret. But, I survived. With support from those closest to me, and deep reflection, which by the way was the most difficult time period I've ever been through, I have done better than survive. So, it's time to pay it forward.

I strive as an individual to serve a greater community, and this will be an on going endeavour. I will continue to have this conversation. I will do my best to be open. I will do my best to listen. And I promise to be supportive.

Most importantly, to those of us that dispare to the point where it makes us unwell, there is reason to be hopeful. There are important things for us to do, so don't be in a hurry for it to be over. We have important business to take care of. :)

The Fog Will Clear.

To everyone who has ever lived in the dark, there is one thing you should wrap your mind around. I'll share it with you now, in the most eloquent form of wordage I can conjure (My words Eloquent lol) but in any case here they are.

~In order to achieve our potential value, we first need to see it. To visualize it, taste it, smell it, touch it, feel it.

If we walk together out into the yard, I could show you so many special things. It surrounds us everyday, that's my perspective.

The established value of anything, is nothing more or less, then an agreement between two or more party's.

So walk with me, I'll show you something.

There is a tree. Here. There. Everywhere. It's a common place object where I live. That's an agreement. But, that assigns no honor or respect to the tree. It's a very dry, and mechanical view of life. So the first thing I did was watch and learn from the tree.

Here's what I see and know. Trees are the very center of community. Their roots move deep into the surface of the ground. They are paternal. They are known for feeding their young. Don't believe me? Try this.

We have value. I assign it (just as you do) with each step I take. Like the tree, we have use, are useful, and each experience, as well as the emotion that accompanies it, feeds every environment we pass through, shaping, forming and creating it.

Every, and I mean Every experience is a creative work all of our own. Good, bad, ugly, pretty, that's not so much of consequence, the most important thing is we do our best.

This is my personal opinion mind you, and I reserve the right to change it as I see fit. But in my view, I hold the world in the palm of my hand, I spin it in any direction I see fit or, I do it without conscious intention.

A tree grows, nurtures its' self, nurtures its' young, and the world spins, breathes, grows, and as a result, life is beautiful. So just remember, I'm rooting for you. If you have a bad day, Remember, I'll say it just once more, like a tree, I'm rooting for you.

The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow.